


Learning to Grieve

by waterwingeddove



Category: Agent Carter (TV)
Genre: Also Peggy/Dottie if you squint/need some casual angsty femslash for the day, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hints at past Anya/Dottie, I'm Going to Hell, I'm Sorry, Reformed/Reforming!Dottie, it's really angsty and sad, post-Season 1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-18
Updated: 2015-02-18
Packaged: 2018-03-13 13:19:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3383000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waterwingeddove/pseuds/waterwingeddove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a life of heartless thinking, Dottie's beginning to change, but the pain of the past hits her harder than she could ever imagine. Peggy's there to help her get through it every step of the way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Learning to Grieve

It was well into the night when Peggy had finally arrived back home, and she was grateful that she no longer had any absurd curfew to follow when she stepped foot inside. No overbearing landlady, no interruptions on her way to her room, no single inconvenience stood in her way after her long day. Having cleared Howard Stark's name put her far deeper in his good graces, so she was rewarded handsomely with one of his secondary residences, and given the fact that Mrs. Fry would never let her step within a 100-yard radius of the Griffith ever again, Peggy took the offer with open arms. There was only one small quirk with the place, however; Peggy had decided to share it with a Russian spy who attempted to kill her one or two times.

It was a decision that Peggy had made entirely of her own accord, but considering that Dottie was still only beginning to fight the extensive control the Red Room and Leviathan held over her, there was still a small amount of concern in the back of Peggy's mind. Ever since Leviathan was brought down, there hasn't been any incident with her and Dottie was cooperating fairly well with the SSR in her agreement to provide intel and assets in exchange for her freedom. However, that didn't mean she had stopped acting detached and cold towards everyone. That's where Peggy's concern lain.

In the midst of her thoughts on the reformed Black Widow, Peggy had routinely set down all of her belongings and work files, removed her shoes and jacket, and made herself comfortable on the large, spacious window seat on the second floor, gazing out toward the skyline. Running a hand through her settling curls, she rested her head against the padded wall and exhaled a heavy sigh. Her gaze drifted off to the side, where she caught a glimpse of Dottie standing by the stairs, staring at Peggy.

Peggy flashed a brief smile her way, attempting at conversation, even though she was nearly always met with failure, "I didn't hear you come in."

When Dottie merely furrowed her brow and tilted her head in response, Peggy sighed and returned to looking out the window before amending her statement, "Moving in silence, all part of being a spy. Right."

To Peggy's surprise, Dottie had made her way over to the window seat and leaned against the wall right beside it, crossing her arms and continuing to stare at the British agent. After a few seconds, she was the one to break the silence first, "What was it like, losing  _him?_ " Dottie had said quietly and in a low voice, adding enough emphasis to the last word to make it clear who she was referring to.

Peggy blinked a few times, blindsided by such a question, and from Dottie nonetheless. "Er, well," she started, clearing her throat and glancing off to the side, "It was…hard. Painful. I found it difficult to get through each day following the loss…" Peggy drifted off before looking back at Dottie, a confused expression written on her face, "Why do you ask?"

Dottie looked away, furrowing her brow again and pursing her lips. Peggy simply pressed further as she sat up from her precarious lofting against the wall, "Dottie… Did you lose someone that was close to you, too?"

"Lose? No." Dottie's eyes shot daggers into Peggy's own while she spoke, "I was the one who killed her."

Bringing her knees closer to her chest to take up less room, Peggy beckoned the other to join her on the window seat, which she did after taking off her heels. Their legs seemed to brush and occupy each other's space, but neither of them minded terribly. Once Dottie was situated, Peggy resumed, "What was her name?"

"Anya. She was one of the other girls back in the Red Room. Had a bed next to mine. We used to be only fed once a day, in the evening, so we would split her food then, and I'd keep mine stashed under my pillow, so that every morning when we were uncuffed, we'd have something to eat then, too. Now, whenever I have bread, I end up tearing it in half, but with no one to share it with." Dottie couldn't help but smile as she recounted some of the memories, but when she got to the end, her smile turned bitter and sad.

"Like at the diner." Peggy added.

Dottie nodded, moving to scratch the back of her neck, "One day, when we were all training, our instructor ordered us to fight. I ended up getting the upper hand, knocked her down, and put her in a headlock. Next thing I knew, I was staring at the instructor, and she was nodding at me, enticing me to go further, as if she could tell I wouldn't because Anya and I were so close. So I did what they wanted me to do. I swallowed any attachment I had to her and snapped her neck." The same bitter expression came back, and she shook her head while laughing dryly, "The other girls feared me from that day on, but the instructors...they'd praise me. They'd say I was the only one who would even think of killing someone that close to them. We were only kids, after all, but they didn't see me as one. They said I was truly, utterly," Letting her eyes close slowly, she continued in a shameful whisper, " _ruthless._ "

"I'm sorry, Dottie. I truly am." Peggy said quietly in return, reaching out to give Dottie's hand a reassuring squeeze, even if she would jerk her hand away seconds after.

"This feeling...This... _sadness_ … Is that what you felt when you lost Steve?" When Dottie reopened her eyes, Peggy could see the tears welling within them. "All this guilt, and pain, and regret… Is this  _normal?_ "

Peggy could only nod, wetting her lips and allowing her eyes to focus on the ground, "I-...yes. It is. Unfortunately. I can't even begin to explain the maelstrom of emotions I managed to feel when Steve's voice cut off on the transmitter. Fear, sadness, pain, even  _anger_ … It all blended into one horrid feeling that would carry me down every day. Even now, when I think about him, some of it always manages to snake its way back to the surface, leaving a bitter taste in my mouth. It's horrible, to say the least." Her own maroon eyes stung with tears, some of which managed to start trickling down her cheek.

Before any of her own could fall, Dottie hurriedly went to wipe the tears from her eyes, "I didn't feel anything when Anya died back then because of the conditioning, but now...I just can't keep my mind off of it. I  _killed_ my best friend. What kind of monster does that?" She stared at Peggy, her face composed of desperation to get answers, for validation.

"You are not a monster. The instructors, they are the monsters here. They were the ones to turn little girls into assassins, into their soldiers to do their every bidding. You can't blame yourself for what they did to you and what they made you do. It wasn't your fault, Dottie." Despite the tears that stained her cheeks, Peggy still managed to make herself look determined in order to support Dottie.

"Then why do I feel so horrible?" Her words came out quietly, and Dottie finally couldn't hold back the tears, allowing them to slowly trickle down her cheek as she looked away.

Peggy leaned forward, reaching out for Dottie's hand and refusing to let go when she attempted to pull it away, "Because you're changing! You're unlearning everything that the Red Room conditioned you to think and starting to do everything for yourself. Unfortunately, there's a few painful things to learn along the way, but it will start to get better," She paused for a second, waiting for Dottie to look her in the eye, and nodded, "I promise."

There was a brief, tense moment of silence between the two of them, and neither woman dared to say a word or move an inch. It wasn't until Dottie couldn't hold back a sob that she moved, wrapping her arms around Peggy and pulling her into a tight embrace. There, she let everything she suppressed for her whole life pour out while she buried her head into Peggy's shoulder.

Peggy merely held her close, whispering softly, "It'll be alright. It'll be alright."

**Author's Note:**

> i just really, really needed reforming!dottie in my life, so i wrote this. hope it was alright and i hope you enjoyed!


End file.
